OPINION: Changing roles

If we are fortunate enough to grow old, we may experience our children becoming our caretakers. Whether it occurs suddenly or gradually over the course of a few years, it can be rather jarring, both for them and for us.

Through the years I’ve seen older parents resist becoming dependent on their kids. Even when it was obvious they needed help, they refused to admit it and called on others instead of their family. They would ask friends to drive them somewhere before asking their children. Some call it being stubborn, but it actually has more to do with fear of losing control.

That fear underlies the elderly’s reluctance to give up driving. They will refuse to acknowledge their driving skills have declined. They ignore their lack of ability to see well enough, turn their heads well enough or react quickly enough. They might very well be endangering both themselves and other drivers, and worse still, they might hit a pedestrian, but giving up driving can be a devastating loss for an independent person.

For most of my life I was determined to be independent. I relished my ability to take care of my own business and personal affairs. I dealt with doctors, lawyers, bankers, realtors, tax matters and everything else, pretty much on my own.

But when I got sick, all that changed. Suddenly, I needed my kids to help me navigate through surgeries, hospitalization, new living arrangements and, most of all, learning to accept dependency on someone other than myself. It was a huge adjustment, but we did adjust.

Fortunately, my three kids have always treated me with complete respect, and I in turn have tried to always be appreciative of their efforts. They have never forced decisions on me, never told me what I had to do and I was determined to be as open-minded, undemanding and uncomplaining as possible.

No doubt, elderly folks can at times be obstinate and uncompromising. They can make their kids’ lives miserable by complaining, feeling sorry for themselves and demanding everything be done their way. I truly did not want to be that way; I have plenty of other faults for my kids to contend with.

I remember as a child how my parents discussed older people who were difficult to deal with. They spoke of a neighbor who had a house full of valuable antiques. She had spent a lifetime searching, buying and collecting heirlooms, furniture and jewelry. Her house was like a museum. She lived every day accumulating more and more treasures, seemingly unaware a day might come when she’d have to give it all up.

I’ve known of others with collections of “things,” some valuable, some not, but a colossal headache for those left behind who must dispose of them. Then there are those who cling to their land or to their house and refuse to make arrangements for the future. They will regret their failure to prepare when they are no longer able to make such critical decisions for themselves.

I sympathize with anyone who has become unable to care for themselves and now finds it hard to accept. They fear losing their independence. They don’t want to leave their home, they’re scared to even think about living somewhere else and terrified of being cared for by strangers. Families can agonize over such circumstances and are sometimes torn apart under the stress of what to do about mom or dad.

It does not have to be this way. It is normal for parents to age and for roles to be reversed. Keys to adjustment are, number one, accept aging as a part of life and changes will occur, and two, stop thinking only of oneself and consider the feelings of loved ones.

Children should have compassion for what their aging parents are going through. Instead of resentment, it should be viewed as an honor to care for one’s parents. By the same token, the elderly should be sympathetic to how difficult it is for their kids to watch their parents grow old.

It’s hard to see parents failing in health, growing weaker, perhaps more forgetful and realizing their time together is limited. A parent’s dependency can be upsetting, even frightening for some. That’s why it’s so important for everyone to be considerate, even gracious under duress.

Everyone – parents and children – must try not make it any harder than it already is.