A happy birthday, indeed

Today’s my 43rd birthday and every year my only wish is to know my birth story. Actually, it was less of a wish and more of an annual reminder that conjures up curiosities and yearnings I’ve spent a lifetime trying to bury. However, this birthday is different – I now feel at peace.

In October 2018, I shared the story “How I met my mother” in the CNA about finding my birth mother, who I discovered living in Colorado. Since our 2013 meeting, I still keep in loose contact with her and my half-siblings. Meeting her satiated my need to know who she was. However, I had little interest in finding my father at the time, but that changed.

My father the ghost

In the same month I wrote about meeting my birth mom, I wrote “My father the ghost,” in which I wrote about a dead end search and the two psychics – who I met more than a year apart in two different parts of the state – which delivered the same message: “He says he’s sorry and wants your forgiveness. He said he just wasn’t ready.”

The first psychic I shrugged off, but the second left me bewildered. I felt compelled to prove or dispel my birth father’s existence.

Exploring the DNA

I never thought about taking a DNA test, but I was inspired after interviewing Kylene Simpson, formerly of Lenox, in 2019. She was adopted as a baby and discovered a biological brother, eventually meeting 40 years after taking a 23andMe test.

That same year a close family friend of my adoptive parents offered me a DNA test he bought for his son, who wasn’t interested in taking it. It’s very normal for adoptees to feel angry or uninterested, or think by exploring their heritage somehow undermines the efforts of their adoptive parents. I, however, jumped at the opportunity hoping it would connect me with paternal relatives. It did not. Feeling a bit defeated, I logged out of the site and left it at that.

Inspired by Black Market Babies

As the pandemic started, I found myself binge-watching so much TV to the point I had seen nearly every noteworthy show on Netflix, Hulu and Prime, so I switched to TLC, where I discovered “Taken at Birth.”

“Taken at Birth” showed the search efforts of individuals who were stolen by Dr. Thomas J. Hicks and sold to couples across the U.S. shortly after birth. As I watched these babies, now adults, search for and reunite with their families, I thought, if they can find their biological relatives, I can too.

Getting warmer

I logged back in to the ancestry site in the early spring of 2020 and discovered a match to my bio-father’s side of the family – a 4th cousin. To me, finding a Filipino female who shared DNA and lived in the city I grew up in felt very promising.

I messaged her, but she didn’t recognize the last name I provided her, so she asked relatives. The best they were able to come up with was a list of alternate spellings. We still don’t quite understand what ancestors link us, but we know we share DNA, and the names she provided guided me to the Ancestry.com records of twin boys – Ron and Rick – who met much of my search criteria and resided in the San Diego County during the time frame leading up to my birth.

I turned to social media to try to contact them. No results turned up for Ron, but did for his brother Rick. Rick actually had many profiles, indicating he either forgot his passwords or was locked out, forcing him to create new accounts. I messaged them all, but never heard back.

Sometime later, I received a message on Ancestry.com from a genealogist in Canada. She said if I sent her my DNA file, she could load it into GED match, a DNA database/website, to compare it against other DNA databases. She said, “give me an hour.”

She called me back as promised and said, ‘OK, do you have a pen?.”

Found

“I’m sorry to report your birth father died,” the genealogist told me. I felt disappointed, but not surprised.

“But, he has a twin brother,” she said before providing info about him and extended family. In that conversation I learned a little about my grandparents, where they immigrated from, when my grandfather and father died, and of what. I learned about a half-brother living in Michigan.

Upon hearing the news I wondered, “Do they know about me?” With the information in hand, It wouldn’t be much longer before I found out.

Many of the phone numbers provided were no longer in service. I assumed they were pulled from old phone book and city directory records. No one uses a landline anymore. But when it came to calling my grandmother, she answered.

So much raced through my mind. I always felt, if anyone knew about me, it would be my bio-dad’s twin, who I knew was present during the time my bio-mom and bio-dad briefly dated. It was my uncle I was hoping to contact, but instead I was met with a shocked and somewhat defensive woman. I tried to kindly explain what I was trying to piece together. As hesitant as she seemed, the fact that she didn’t hang up gave me hope that maybe she knew something, or at least could help.

After a conversation that felt like forever, she said she didn’t know what I was talking about and hung up. In reality it was a matter of minutes, but time tends to stand still in these moments.

I tried to make sense of the conversation. I felt she knew something but I also know it’s not exactly the American Dream to migrate somewhere only to have your child screw up by getting a teen girl pregnant. I assumed it was something she wanted to ignore.

Two days later, I woke to a response on Facebook from Rick, my bio uncle, my bio dad’s twin. It was early and my eyes weren’t quite in focus, but I knew it was from him and simply responded to call me later in the day and provided my number. My phone rang immediately. It was just after 5 a.m., which meant it was approximately 3 a.m. his time.

Rick told me he was guided to my message by his brother Ron, who appeared to him in a dream. The way he described it was like a sleep-walking episode his wife Dulce tried to explain, as well. Ron said he initially thought I could be a scammer, but because I wrote a few times to his different accounts and provided my contact info, he felt more compelled to contact me.

Getting to know you

We talked for hours that first day in April 2020. I had, and still have, so many questions. But Rick told me the story of how my birth parents met, and left off, which corroborated part of the psychic’s story.

I also learned a little about the family’s health history (this is very important for adoptees). Oddly enough, it was the day before my annual check up I scheduled with Dr. Miller months prior. When Dr. Miller asked if there were any changes for my medical record, I said, “Well actually .... "

Ricks info paired with Dr. Miller’s questioning, I believe lead to action that could potential be life-saving, given the family’s heart health issues.

The gift

My son and I went “home” to California for Christmas. While we were in town, Rick and his wife Dulce wanted to host my family for dinner days after Christmas. How could we pass up traditional Filipino food?!

Because we had talked so much online and periodically on the phone, I didn’t feel nervous. I was thrilled. My parents and children came with me and Rick and Dulce were the most gracious hosts, making enough food to feed a small village. Pancit, lumpia, chicken adobo and tamales among many other things were had.

Strangely I don’t remember much of the conversation, but I remember Dulce thanking my parents for taking care of me. Rick showed off a collage he made with photos of me, my half-brother, and a cousin Priscilla, and our children. The most wild part of meeting biological family is seeing a resemblance. Seeing myself in others is something I never experienced, so it continues to wow me. They showered us in love and spoiled the kids with gifts. Their hospitality and generosity was unreal and appreciated. The experience left me speechless.

As we loaded in to my dad’s car, my son and I sat in the back seat. As we merged on to the freeway I quietly sobbed hard for a few moments. Not in sadness, but in relief. I had lost so much hope, but realized this is just the beginning.

A happy birthday, indeed.